10.  Shul President:  "...Fire The Candyman - the guy's washed up - only has green lollipops"

9.    Cantor:  "...I'm doing the Maccabeat Kedusha, whether the board likes it or not"

8.    Sisterhood:  "No 'It Gets Better' video will sway us into allowing men into the sisterhood!"

7.    Rabbi: "The Kiddush Club must either be shut down, or somehow figure out how to get herring/scotch deliveries to the bima"

6.    Gabbai: "I don't care how, but recruit me another Kohain, goddamit! Seymour Cohen's socks stink"

5.    Usher: "If Mrs. Goldberg doesn't take her kid out during the rabbi's speech, I'm proposing an intervention."

4.    Assistant Rabbi:  "I don't care if there are 3 funerals, I'm not missing the Superbowl again "

3.    Gabbai: "We need to shut down Anim Zemiros, no cool kid wants to do it, I'm groveling every week and it tacks on 10 more minutes to my shortest davening record"

2.    Rebbetzin: "My new way to end the singles crisis:  Either you get married, or you have me calling you every day and night to set you up with some random loser I met on the bus!"

1.    Rabbi: "I'm secretly in the talks with the Nefesh b Nefesh folks, we all make aliyah "on paper" - it's the only way to cancel 2nd day Yomtovs forever.  Are you with me?"