My seven year old was thrilled when we told him we were making Aliyah- the date of our move couldn’t come soon enough. He said goodbye to friends and family without a hitch, he kept telling them we were the lucky ones. Now that we’re here, it’s like a nightmare. He cries every morning, refuses to go to school and tells us he hates us for making him come here. Help! What is going on here?

Think about the process you went through before choosing to make Aliyah – the research, the weighing of options, the hard decisions. All these steps were predicated on something that by definition your children don’t have when it comes to making Aliyah – choice. As adults we choose to make Aliyah freely, but our children are pretty much locked into following whatever decisions we make for them. Understanding this basic reality can go a long way towards assisting our children.

What does this mean practically?

Prior to Making Aliyah

  • Involve your children as much as possible in the decision making process. Talk about it early in the process; don’t procrastinate. Talk about Israel, talk about why you feel it’s the best possible option for your family, do a family research project about the communities that you may want to look into further or possibly visit on a pilot trip. Keep your children involved throughout, as you make decisions and learn more about the available options.
  • Invite your children to discuss their feelings about Aliyah. Listen without judgment when they tell you how they feel. Acknowledge how hard it will be for them to leave their friends, also sharing with them how hard it will be for you.
  • Help your children connect to people who already live in Israel. This can be family, friends who have made Aliyah, or pen pals provided through Nefesh B’Nefesh.
  • Make Hebrew a family project. Some ideas: speak Hebrew for a limited period of time each day, watch Hebrew videos, find books, magazines and newspapers in easy Hebrew. Label household objects with Hebrew words. Practice together, play games and make it fun.
  • Involve your children in the actual physical process of making Aliyah – things like packing and purchasing. Recognizing the space limitations of your new Israeli home, allow them to choose what to bring with them and what to leave behind.
  • Help your children plan how they will stay in touch with friends. Today, we can use email, Skype, Facebook and, VoIP lines to maintain the connection. Talk about it and set up some sort of system for speaking to friends on a regular basis.

After Making Aliyah

  • Be prepared for anything. There will be children who will adjust easily, but it is very normal to feel lonely, sad or angry. They may be sullen. They may be very verbal with their anger and hostility. Whatever their reaction, grit your teeth and tell yourself this is normal for a child who was just relocated halfway across the world. Try to empathize with what your child is going through.
  • Encourage your children to make new friends. The key to successful adaptation is social. Both young children and older children need to make friends in order to feel comfortable in their environment. Whether it is other English speakers or Israelis, find opportunities right away to create play dates and encourage interaction.
  • Redefine success in school. Help your children understand that the goal of the first year of Aliyah is gaining Hebrew skills and adjusting to learning in a new educational environment. Measurement of achievement during the first year should focus on developing competence and confidence as opposed to simply looking at the grades on your child’s report card.
  • Budget for Tutoring. In order to help your children gain the necessary sense of competence, they will need extra tutoring, at least for the first year. The amount of help they receive in the school system is variable and may not be sufficient.
  • Chugim. After-school activities are an excellent way to give a child a sense of accomplishment and achivement that is not language based and is more socially focused. Sign up your children for Chugim where they can excel – and build friendships.
  • Don’t forget to enjoy Israel as a family. Take a mental health day off from school and have fun. This will help build your children’s identification with the same values that you cherish and that brought you to make Aliyah. Just because you’re no longer tourists doesn’t mean that there aren’t myriads of things to enjoy together.
  • Be patient. You have just immigrated to a new country, with a new culture, language and educational system. It will take you and your children time to adapt to all of these new changes; and different members of the family may adjust more quickly than others. Aliyah is a major transition – give your children time to adjust. It may take a while, but they will get there.

How can we help your Aliyah?

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