We all want our children to succeed. Uprooting pre-teens and teenagers from his or her home environment, extended family, friends, school and native language presents us with unique challenges in addition to the shifting dynamics of this age.

Despite the optimism of our commitment to our Homeland, we feel the frustration, the sense of not having an in-depth knowledge of the language, fear of the new, starting over with friends, shopping, driving, banking, and employment opportunities, even though it was our decision to move!

Some things to consider in making Aliyah into a positive life-experience:

Pilot Trip:
BRING YOUR TEEN!!!
It may not be economically or logistically feasible, but I recommend that parents make this effort. It pays off in huge dividends. For a teen, the unknown is frightening. Taking her with you provides her with an opportunity to see the “layout” of the land, neighborhoods, schools and living arrangements. How she can arrange her things after making Aliyah gives her concrete plans to start making the move a positive one. When she returns, she’ll begin to catalogue what she really wants to bring-or not.  This helps to turn a passive role to an active one, from “my parents are making Aliyah and dragging me with them” to “ I’m moving, what do I need? What do I want to take?" This helps particularly at the packing end!

Choosing a School:
This is especially crucial for the junior-high or high school age. Schools are set up differently, so find out what is available to you in your area. First thing to do, even on a pilot trip, is to meet with the principal and guidance counselor- with your teen. Encourage her to write her own list of questions, even in the car on the way to the meeting. She will hear what the school’s policies are (dress code), daily schedules, availability of ulpan and tutors, and what the expectations are. Teens try to “live up” (or down) to what’s expected of them.

Understand that your adolescent will “vent”:
Whether it's in the form of moodiness, withdrawl from some activities, or “mouthing off” at us. This is not the teen saying things to hurt you. This is their way of exploring the avenues of communication to see how we as parents react and what our feedback will be. You are their mirror. LISTEN. Try and hear what he or she is saying about is or her day, stories about their friends, feelings, and reactions to daily events. 

Check out websites with your teen:
Welcome to the computer age.
It is a wonderful modality to facilitate communication for both of you! For example:
Organizations like Nefesh B’Nefesh have specific links for teens to communicate, which goes a long way toward reducing your teen’s feelings of isolation, loneliness, and fears.
Real estate websites show what is available, (houses, cottages, villas, meduragim, apartments) giving both of you “virtual” tours of the area and an idea of what to expect.
Israel is a beautiful country!  Online both of you can explore some special and unique places.        

Don’t immediately tell them how to “solve” the problem or “fix” it for them:
We want to be the best parents and help our kids, but…
They are at the age where they crave independence and want to solve problems themselves (think 2 year old in a big body) Let them! Maybe he can figure out the next step or what to do in the future. Often he may have already thought of a solution. Give him the opportunity to share it with you.

Adolescents think we "don't have a clue”:
They feel that we don’t understand what they are going through on a daily basis (like we were never teens ourselves!) we don’t listen to them, and have our own pat answers to their problems. Expressing your own frustration to them role-models for teens that adults have to negotiate and overcome obstacles as well (i.e. “I waited for the repairman all day! They said between 8-12 and showed up at 4PM!”).

Show them how to be flexible:
COMPROMISE where and when you can! When your teen is telling you they want some extra consideration, like coming home a little later one night, or joining in a family activity or not- think whether you as a parent can “compromise” and let them have that “extra”. They begin to understand the difference between being ”forced” to do something and when something is an obligation. By doing this on a regular basis you provide them with negotiating skills which is crucial for life in general, but especially necessary in Israel. In the future, when you need their participation with something obligatory, they understand that you are asking, rather than “bossing them around”.

Agree with your teen as much as you can:
Both before and after Aliyah find common ground.
Yes, packing is hard. So is saying goodbye to friends and family.
Yes, going to look at schools, houses, and neighborhoods is boring (but isn’t the scenery beautiful?) Yes, it’s hot during the summer. Yes, things are different: the food, language, people and even the bugs. Yes, I’ll miss the snow (but not the shoveling!) Yes, I miss grandparents, aunt & uncles and cousins. Yes, unpacking is hard. Yes, we need to find a place to put all this stuff!
Say "Y-E-S" as much as you can. It goes a long way to building up your adolescent’s self-awareness and confidence. By hearing those words, your teen also begins to see you as a more reasonable and agreeable parent.

We know that it is not easy making Aliyah, and moving to a foreign country is an ongoing, complicated process. However there are things you can do to alleviate the stress for yourselves and your teenage children. When you arrive in Israel ask for a list of support services and people who you can turn to for help.

Arielle Lax, MA, ATR- BC  (NBN 2007)
Art Therapist- Registered and Board Certified